039 Recognizing Feeling Without Identifying the Person

When a person stakes everything on a single throw, all reasons become mere excuses. For life, this is a painful realization.

I forgot how I returned to my room, my heart burdened by a weight like a thousand tons of stone, heavy and indecisive. Once he returns, what will his life become? Will it be fortune or misfortune, sweetness or resentment? Since this transformation is inevitable, why persist in taking such a risk?

I have no way of knowing, and no standing to ask. Yet, if sadness were to appear in his eyes, my own heart would surely fall with him.

Yearning stretches on, making rest the hardest thing to find.

It was only when Lian Pian called that I realized I had been dozing for several hours. I had risen too early today, played too hard, and ended with too much heartache; both my body and soul were weary. Lian Pian was vibrant and eager on the other end, barking a swift command: "Open the door! I'm right outside."

I shuffled over in my slippers, opening the door with heavy, sleepy eyes. She was radiant, but upon seeing me, she looked startled: "You're still sleeping at this hour?"

"Just catching up on a nap; I didn't mean to oversleep."

"Stop sleeping, I have good news for you." She hopped into the room, blinking at me, her steps light and airy. "Ahem, listen up."

I rubbed my eyes, which were still struggling to stay open. "Stop putting on an act and just tell me."

Overjoyed, she covered her face, then suddenly threw her arms wide, her voice rising an octave as she enunciated clearly: "I—am—dating—someone!"

"Oh..." My reaction was uncharacteristically tepid, even tinged with a sense of loss.

Lian Pian pulled her excited arms back in. "What’s wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, scratching my head. "With whom?"

She raised an eyebrow and put one hand on her hip. "Who do you think?"

"Jiayi?" I knew it couldn't be him, but at least it served as a reminder of his existence.

"No!" Lian Pian crossed her arms in front of her chest. Giving up the games, she smiled with a face full of happiness. "It's Bill."

I nodded, reminding her, "You only met him last night."

"I know," she said, sounding a bit anxious. "But I just like him."

"Why?"

She pondered for two seconds, then shook her head. "No, I can't say it's him I like." She paused, looking very serious. "What I like, I think, is the sense of exoticism I feel when I'm with him."

I was slightly stunned. "Exoticism?"

Lian Pian nodded, quite firm and articulate. "Isn't the essence of love just falling for the feeling a person gives you? Exotic romance is always fresh and therefore possesses a unique vitality. If I hadn't met Bill yesterday, but instead another foreign man with blue eyes—tall, strong, handsome, and gentle—I would have been moved just the same. Because what I am pursuing is the feeling, not the person."

Her logic was sound, yet it sent a wave of unprecedented panic surging through me.

If I hadn't met Musa, but someone else instead, would I still have been moved? Was I merely craving a feeling, rather than a specific individual?

This realization was difficult to accept. I took a deep breath and asked her sheepishly, "When the freshness fades, aren't you afraid of the separation?"

Lian Pian smiled lightly. "When the time comes to part, I will simply fall in love with the heartache of saying goodbye to him. He will remain in that moment, in that heartache, which is a perfect full stop. If a relationship has a beginning and an end, what regrets could there be? Separation is inevitable; feelings are eternal. We have four years in Dubai; you have to feel *something*, right?"