Darkness and Doubt Conceal the Path Ahead

I fell into a gloomy silence, lowering my head in deep thought.

Seconds ticked away. Lianpian had hoped for a definite answer from me, but was met instead with my increasingly furrowed brow.

"What are you thinking about?" Losing her patience slightly, she gave my shoulder a nudge, pulling me out of my reverie.

"I was wondering what to do about Jiayi." I told a lie.

"Why bring him up again!" Lianpian’s eyes rolled playfully, and as if a sudden realization had struck her, she grabbed my arm. "Right! You still haven't told me who the person walking with you today was!"

I opened my mouth, just about to make up someone to brush her off, when Lianpian seized the conversation first: "Don't you dare lie to me. The moment I hung up your call, I bolted right out and happened to see you getting into the car with that man in the white robe. Honestly, was it one of the two Arab men from the bar last night?"

The words that had been hovering on the tip of my tongue instantly retreated. I swallowed hard with some difficulty and could only nod helplessly.

Lianpian grew even more excited, holding her breath in anticipation: "Which one?"

I pressed my lips together and whispered, "The one you thought looked familiar."

Lianpian gave her own thigh a satisfied slap. "Well done, Xixi! An Arab man—you're even more avant-garde than I am. So... do you have feelings for him?"

She squinted at me, her face overflowing with undisguised gossip. A slight warmth crept up my cheeks, and I nodded gently once more, adding, "Only... a little bit..."

This was the first time I had ever spoken of Musa in front of another person. As his image slipped past my lips, it became all the more vivid and profound. Having crossed the most difficult hurdle of actually saying it aloud, I gradually relaxed and began to discuss the matter with Lianpian.

Lianpian eagerly egged me on: "It's not easy to find someone who stirs even a little bit of feeling in you. You should tell him!"

I shook my head. "I'm still not quite sure yet. Besides, even if I wait until I'm certain I like him, I don't know if I should tell him..."

Lianpian shrugged indifferently. "You're in your twenties, what's stopping you?"

"But he's different..."

Lianpian smacked her forehead. "Oh right, I almost forgot. He probably hasn't even had much contact with women."

That sounded a bit peculiar, but it was indeed the truth.

Without pausing for long, Lianpian waved her hand dismissively. "Never mind whether he's different or not. If you like him, just say so first. Telling him won't cause you to lose a piece of flesh."

I had always lacked the courage to charge forward recklessly. I frowned with worry and said, "But what if he likes me back? What should I do then?"

Lianpian chided playfully, "You like him, and he likes you—isn't that a happy ending?"

"I am Chinese, and he is Arab." My voice carried a trace of lingering loss. "We are too far apart, and the cultural gap is simply too vast. I don't understand his faith, and he is terrified by my lack of one. And..."

I licked my lips, paused for a moment, and found the words hard to utter. "And, as you know, it's a polygamous society here... Honestly, I don't dare to let myself keep falling for him..."

Hearing this, Lianpian frowned as well, then waved her hand again, deciding decisively, "Then don't tell him. Just treat it like a memory that never sprouted!"

"But I'm afraid I'll regret it in the future." I closed my eyes, my heart aching. "When I am white-haired, sitting in a wheelchair, thinking about how I once had feelings for an Arab man in my youth yet never told him—when I want to stammer something out but can no longer speak the words, with only a single turbid tear falling down, leaving no room to ever turn things back."

Seeing my sorrowful expression, Lianpian grew sad as well, shifting her stance once more. "Then you should tell him after all."

"But what if he likes me?" The conversation looped right back to the beginning.

"You're the one who said 'what if'."

A sudden realization seemed to dawn on me. "That's right, nothing is certain yet." Finding a graceful way out, I said with renewed spirit, "Even if I grow deeply infatuated with him in the future, perhaps he will simply tell me that he only fancies devout Muslims and cannot share his heart and life with an infidel."

At this thought, a sense of ease and relief washed over me. Smiling, I said, "That way, there's no conflict left to agonize over. Thinking about it makes my heart feel much lighter."

Lianpian mercilessly ruffled my shoulder. "You're not even sure if you like him yet, but just a tiny flutter has you all tied up in knots like this. You really are hopeless."

With those words spoken, Lianpian and I both burst into bright laughter. Amidst our casual banter, the shadows in my heart seemed to finally clear, as if a heavy boulder had been lifted. Yet, faintly, a deeper sorrow seeped into the bottom of my soul.

With a sharp *bang*, the door closed. After Lianpian left, this agonizing conversation also came to an end, and everything returned to a dead silence—a silence that finally allowed for calm reflection.

A bitter smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.

Could there be anything sadder than feeling a sense of relief and liberation simply at the thought of him rejecting me?